Disediakan oleh explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
[radio berdengung]
[Penyiar] Musik terbaik.
[radio berdengung]
[Reporter] Preseden apa pun untuk virus
yang bisa kita lihat, virus-
[radio berdengung]
[Reporter] Banyak penguncian.
[radio berdengung]
[Kepribadian Radio] Tidak, tentu saja.
Dan berpikir mereka akan menutup negara?
[Kepribadian Radio] Apakah Anda mengatakan ditutup?
[Kepribadian Radio] Itu benar, saya lakukan, matikan.
Jelas, ini adalah tipuan oleh lib cengeng,
hanya untuk mendapatkan sedikit lebih banyak ruang aman untuk dimanfaatkan
penanganan presiden terhadap situasi ini.
[Kepribadian Radio] Mengapa mereka tidak bisa diam saja,
melakukan pekerjaan mereka, dan mengatakan yang sebenarnya?
[Kepribadian Radio] Saya tidak tahu.
Aku tidak tahu. Aku bersamamu.
[Driver] Saya bisa saja mengatakan itu kepada Anda.
[Kepribadian Radio] Tapi saya akan memberitahu Anda,
Aku bingung apa kebenarannya.
[sopir berdehem]
Untungnya, kami memiliki ini-
- Ini hal yang sangat liar, ya?
[Radio Personality] Membuktikan keterlibatan dari-
- Apa?
Saya berkata, itu hal yang sangat liar, ya?
Eh, ya.
[Radio Personality] Apakah anak gemuk itu berat?
[Kepribadian Radio] Bukan untuk saya.
[Radio Personality] Berapa banyak Anda benchin 'akhir-akhir ini?
Aku punya saudara di Angkatan Darat.
Oh. - [Kepribadian Radio] 220 di hari yang baik.
[Kepribadian Radio] Tidak, saya tidak-
- He tries to get pretty big for his britches.
He come home for Christmas,
but I kick his ass every time, you know.
But he's a good boy, he, he's a good...
We're proud of the man he become, and, uh,
the fact I can kick his ass don't matter, 'cause, hell,
I can kick just about any god damn ass I want, you know?
But I'm just proud of the boy he is and the man he's become,
and, and, and what's your stance on homosexuals in the,
in the military?
[grungy music]
♪ There's not one soul in this whole town ♪
♪ That I could not live without ♪
♪ I was dyin' when I met you ♪
♪ Well, isolation and sleepin' in ♪
♪ Growin' out my resentment ♪
[Driver] Peace out, pretty lady.
♪ I was dyin' when I met you ♪
♪ Yeah, I was dyin' when I met you ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
My mother worries about me not having a girlfriend.
Not that I'm expecting this to go anywhere.
Not that I'm not not expecting it to go somewhere.
First off, just so you know,
I, I don't live with my mother.
Uh, nor do I say mother.
Oh my god, that is psychotic. [sighs]
And with that, I will leave you to it.
This place is fantastic.
I hope you enjoy your evening,
And you will never have to talk to me again, okay.
- Thank you. - Goodbye.
Okay, I believe you.
Even after I slowly and painfully imploded on myself?
Yes.
It's just, your messages are like professional-level stuff.
This is my first swipe-right date, I swear.
- I swear on my- - Mother.
Good god, I am mortified.
[girl laughs]
So what's your excuse for the app,
if this is your first time?
It is. It 100% is.
Um, I just moved here.
Oh, let me guess, LA?
No, New York.
Do I seem LA to you?
You just seem a little too pretty for New York is all.
You know, some of the most gorgeous people live
in New York.
Yeah, I just worry about those people
not getting enough sun.
Do you actually?
No. No, I don't.
[both laugh]
LA is like, so plastic.
Yeah, worries me for the turtles.
When they choke on the plastic?
From the implants?
When California falls off into the ocean...
- Um, I'm sorry. - Oh.
That was a stretch.
[girl laughs]
I would say this is going pretty well.
Yeah? Would you say that?
Yeah, honestly, you haven't left me yet.
- Okay. - Nor have you pulled
the whole, uh, oh my god,
- a friend is calling. - Oh shoot.
My friend is calling me.
Okay, nice. I got ya.
So, Miss New York.
[Girl] Yes.
What part of town are you in now?
I am in the Hotel Frida
off exit 42.
Oh, wow. So you're, like, new, new.
I am new, new.
Well, cheers.
To the new, new girl in town.
Cheers.
[glasses clink] [both laugh]
Is that why you moved here, to learn how to two-step?
Yes, obviously.
Uh, no, I just, I needed a change.
What do you do?
I am an app developer.
Hmm, what kind of apps?
[Waiter] Hey! Can I get you anything else?
Oh, did not mean to scare ya.
You didn't scare me, I was just-
- [Waiter] We were all just watchin' the news in the back.
Pretty crazy stuff.
Totally.
- News. - Yeah, I know.
[Waiter] But for real, can I get you guys anything else?
Um, I think we'll just take the...
I mean, unless...
Do you want...
I don't have anywhere to be.
[chuckles] Okay.
[lighthearted music]
[glasses clinking] [both slurping]
[pen scratching]
And, um, I'm so glad we left my car,
because no way can I drive.
[laughs] I know. That was smart.
And I can get it in the morning, like, easy.
Yeah, for sure.
And hey, and hey, I'm not usually like this.
So I just wanna make sure, like, if you're too drunk,
I can easily take you home. [laughs]
Shut up. This is fun.
Okay.
And I just wanna clarify-
- Hey, shut up.
Don't ruin a good thing.
Okay. Cool.
♪ Tryin' to find my way home ♪
[Driver] What the hell?
I hate my life.
[Radio Personality] Lockdowns across the country
have sparked fear in many citizens.
The president plans to-
- [Girl] Thank you.
[Guy] You are welcome, I...
[girl laughs]
♪ Watch 'em step right up and right back down themselves ♪
It's just like fate.
Wow, cool house.
Thanks, it's partly inspired by-
- Where is your bathroom?
It's around the corner. [laughs]
Okay.
Where is your bedroom?
It's upstairs. [laughs]
Um, where upstairs?
Upstairs.
Hmm.
- ♪ I let all of my good days ♪ - Oh.
♪ Pass me by ♪
♪ The string quartet, it scattered ♪
Do you need help?
Blam-o.
What did you just say?
Blam-o.
I wouldn't say that.
Understood.
All right. [hands slapping]
- Oops, sorry. - Ow.
Oh my god, are you okay?
Yes.
- Okay. - I am fine.
[both laugh]
Oh.
[both laugh]
Um, do you think we should
just take our clothes off right now?
Whoa.
Unless you didn't wanna-
- No, it's just, it's so transactional, that's all.
I know, I'm sorry, but I have-
- That's okay.
This, could you help me with my dress?
Gladly.
It's, if I lay down, then I have to shimmy,
and that's just never cute.
Plus, I'm wearing SPANX,
- which is so stupid. - Shirt!
[guy grunts]
Next up, dress.
[girl giggles]
- It's like a tiny button. - Why is it so tiny?
[both laugh]
Okay, this is done.
[gentle music]
[guy snores softly]
[ominous tones reverberating]
[phone dings]
[guy groans]
[phone buzzing]
[phone dinging]
[tense music]
What up?
[dark note echoes]
I was gonna make us some breakfast, but...
[guy farts]
Holy shit, gross. I'm so sorry.
[phone buzzes]
And I totally implied that you wanted breakfast.
Where's your TV?
[phone buzzes]
Uh.
[tense tones building]
Due to the spread
of the deadly and highly contagious virus,
the President of the United States
has issued a state of emergency.
This is not a big deal, okay.
We got this. [laughs]
I'm not tryin' to come on here and scare anybody.
But, also, this is a big deal.
You feel me?
Look, you get a little sick, happens to everybody.
Just last week,
I'm out drinkin' with my friend, Mike, right.
We probably drank like 40, 50 beers a pop.
Next day, I felt sick, all right.
I didn't feel so hot. I had liquid comin' out of both ends.
I was not doin' good, all right.
I slept in 'til about 3:00 pm, woke up, ate some fries.
I'm back in the mix, drinkin' again by six.
Now, with this thing, you will die.
[tense tones building]
And I am ordering everyone to stay at home for...
Is that the correct number of days?
'Cause that seems like a lot.
Oof, okay. That's a long time.
Everybody needs to stay at home for 21 days.
[ominous tones reverberating]
I'm not doin' it, I got my...
I am doin' it? Damn.
[Reporter] The lockdown went into effect
midnight last night.
Food and supplies are expected to be delivered in waves
over the next three days.
Yes, I understand, but I just need to get 15 minutes away.
- It's not- - The interstate is closed.
It's just closed.
No, you don't...
Dammit, hung up?
Oh, oh, it looks like they're offering shuttles for...
Nope. [sighs] That's closed too.
- Hi, Mom, does Dad have- - Hi, Stacy, yes.
- any military connections? - No, yes, I'm calling
- about the [indistinct]. - No, I'm fine, I'm just-
- But you put me hold, but- - Nope, this was not
- the Democrats. - No, I know
that this is happening, so-
- That just...
I found a guy offering helicopter rides.
Really?
He does have an eye patch, though.
Do you need both eyes for a helicopter?
Okay, yes, but what if I'm afraid for my life?
No, I'm not, but what if?
Um, we met at a bar last night.
She's 5'4" and pretty cute, and, uh...
[dial tone drones]
911 hung up on me.
Can they even do that?
Yeah, no, I'll, I'll try. I'll try again.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
Can you please slow down?
It's only 22 miles.
Miles? I thought you said minutes.
Well, if we walk a little faster,
we'll get there in...
We need to walk faster.
Get my stuff, I can change my clothes, put on a bra.
[siren whooping] Oh shit.
- Wow. - I'm the wild card.
No, exactly, we don't need wild cards right now.
Do you watch the news?
[Officer] What are you talking about?
Just act like we know what we're doing.
[Man In Vest] The secret police.
I [groans]...
There's so many things that's wrong with that statement.
Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Stop right there.
I [scoffs]...
Please return to your homes immediately.
Um, sorry, we were just headed down-
- Comply.
Strict orders from the top.
[scoffs] Craig, please.
Okay, uh, folks orders are to stay
within a 20-foot radius of your home.
20 feet?
Yeah, and, uh, neighborhood watch rules?
Those are in full effect.
[laughs] Neighborhood watch?
[scoffs] Yeah.
Officer, we do understand.
It's just, we're trying to get to where I'm staying.
Ma'am, again, I'm sorry, but it is the law.
Here, let me do it. Return to your home.
She just, the thing is, Officer,
she just doesn't have a home,
- so that's why we need to- - Okay, okay.
Well, anyone without a home is being rounded up
for an immediate relocation.
Oh, no, no, no, I'm not homeless, I just, I'm-
- [radio beeps] - Yeah.
I'm gonna need a, uh, pickup for a homeless
and some backup for a no-comply.
Please send over, ASAP.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, Craig.
Is that wired into the police channel?
Maybe.
Well, you can't have that, man.
Oh, I didn't know that a trained civilian
couldn't check in on his peers.
You're not trained.
- See? - Okay.
And we're not peers.
Okay, uh, [clears throat] listen.
I'm a volunteer, I'm a taxpayer,
and I was a guest in your home the other night,
where you told me you saw something in me.
- Okay, because- - And now this?
Now you're flicking my mask?
Listen, you're my brother-in-law,
and I'm tryin' to be supportive of you, okay?
[Craig] Hey, hey, hey, hey.
- They're getting away. - Hey, hey.
- We're doing this. - Return to your homes!
- [taser zapping] - Oh.
- [gasps] Oh my god! - Oh no!
- What the hell are you doing? - Well, he was-
- What is happening? - He was resisting.
- He was resisting! - Oh my god!
- No, no, no, I- - Oh my god.
- It's, it's not supposed to do that. - [Girl] Turn it off!
[Craig] It's not supposed to do that.
- Turn it off! What? - What is your voltage?
I don't know.
What do you mean you don't know?
I don't know. I don't know.
- Turn it off, he's- - Give it to me.
- Do it.
What are you doing? He's peeing!
[Craig] Oh shit.
- Ah, god. - Oh my god!
[Craig screams]
- Hey, stop it! - I'm sorry!
You get back here, Craig!
I don't know what to do right now.
Okay, we're gonna try to figure this out, buddy, um.
[Girl] It won't stop!
♪ Well, I think I was only half your age ♪
♪ Before I figured out ♪
♪ Oh, that there are things in ♪
[chip crunches loudly]
I know it's not much,
but we're pretty much limited a teenage boy's diet
until the food shipments arrive.
I will not be here until the food shipments.
[chuckles] I don't think you're gonna die or anything.
The virus hasn't even hit the state yet.
I mean I won't be here.
Oh. I don't think that's necessarily true.
I mean, one day at a time, though, right?
[girl sighs]
You don't, like, have another car?
Oh shit, my car.
What are they gonna do with my car?
What am I gonna do for three weeks?
I'm sorry, I know this is stressful
- and all, but- - Yeah, you think?
I just don't think we have much of a choice.
To do what?
To leave.
For 21 days?
They're sayin' it could be even longer.
Who said that?
I don't know, they, the internet.
What news source?
I didn't check.
Why didn't you check? Who is saying that?
[chip crunches] [girl groans]
Don't grumble at me.
That is my response.
To what?
To you, to this, I don't know.
Nacho?
I don't want a fucking nacho!
[melancholy music]
[girl gasping]
What am I gonna wear?
[guy scatting]
♪ South America ♪
♪ Why do I have this magazine ♪
♪ The world is falling apart ♪
[guy scatting]
Okay.
I hate the sound of chewing.
Chewing.
[girl smacks lips]
It's all I can hear. I can hear nothing else.
It is absolute torture.
Eesh, all right. Um, why are you in a towel?
I'm serious, and I cannot stand a full sink either.
Why are you telling me this?
Because if we are going to be roommates,
I need ground rules.
Full sink, do you mean, like, dishes?
I mean, like, roommate rules.
Okay. Do you have any rules for me?
[guy sighs]
I've opened the door.
The door is open, open line of communication.
Anything you want, let it be known.
Nothing.
Nothing?
Nothing.
- Okay. - Okay.
Okay.
Ah, you know what? There is one thing.
Yes.
What if you're giving a baby a bath?
What?
You know, if you're giving a baby a bath,
and you need a full sink?
Who said anything about a baby?
I don't know how long this thing'll go.
Just do the dishes, okay, please?
That's the whole point.
[guy sighs]
[girl sighs]
Is this some kind of superiority thing?
What are you talking about?
Sometimes men like make it seem like-
- Oh shit, you discovered the coalition of men
who liked to not lay down house rules
to hold it over women's heads.
Congratulations.
You are acting like you don't care at all
to make me seem like I care too much.
I am not, you're cr-
- Don't say crazy.
You're wrong.
So you just have no rules at all?
Nothing at all?
Practical stranger in your home.
No.
I like you is all, all right.
I don't want to fudge it up.
Oh.
Last night was fun.
Last night was fun, yeah.
Maybe too much fun.
Oh.
I am just not looking for a relationship right now at all.
- Gotcha. - You're a great.
Or, I mean, you seem really great.
I don't, obviously, know you that well, but-
- Look. - from what I know-
- No need to have the whole breakup conversation
when we're not even a thing,
and the world is practically ending around us.
We're adults here.
I also need clothes.
Ah.
So you can pretty much have anything except for this,
this, and really this whole section.
Good.
You don't happen to have an extra bra or two lyin' around,
do you?
Fresh out.
All I have are sticky boobs.
I don't know what that is.
It's like a, um...
Nevermind. This is great, yeah.
[pensive music]
[girl sighs]
[water splashing]
♪ Stayin' up instead ♪
♪ Somethin' that you said ♪
♪ Stripped away the thread ♪
♪ To roll around my head ♪
♪ Outgrown this, I know ♪
♪ Outgrown, where do I go now ♪
♪ Outgrown this, I know ♪
♪ Outgrown, where ♪
Hey!
[girl sighs]
What?
Only 20 days to go!
[guy laughs]
[pensive music]
[girl grumbles]
[girl screams]
♪ So tragic ♪
[girl gasps]
[ominous tones reverberating]
[girl sighs]
[voices whispering indistinctly]
What are you?
- Oh. - Oh my god.
- You're a psychopath. - What? No.
Oh my god. [gasps]
Oh my god, you're a serial killer.
I knew it. I knew it!
You knew it?
Stay back! [utensils clanging]
Yo, that's a knife.
What were you gonna do to me?
Is this lockdown even real?
Why are you holding a knife?
Why are you scrolling through horrid pictures of penises?
They're DPs.
- DPs? - That's what we call them.
- Who's we? - My work.
What work do you do?
Can you do put down the knife, please? You're scaring me.
What the hell is happening?
Okay, uh.
Mm, um, okay, um...
Terrorist groups, murderers, rapists-
- Rapists?
Bad start, um, I'm in charge.
- Of rapists? - What?
No, of my DP group.
Tell me right now, or I will stab your ass.
My ass?
Who are you?
I'm a social media monitor.
What?
I'm trying to say,
every social media site has reported content,
and my group's in charge of...
Can you please put down the knife?
[girl sighs]
[guy sighs]
I'm in charge of a group that's a part of another group,
that's a part of a bigger group,
that looks at user-reported content.
My section looks at dick pics.
Dick pics?
DPs.
Why can't a computer do that?
Because sometimes it's just a cucumber and tomatoes.
You really need the human touch.
Metaphorically speaking.
We have to look through thousands a day.
Thousands?
[sighs] Out of millions.
[tense tones building]
[gasps] No, that's not real.
It's real.
Oh.
I thought you were an app developer.
I am. I was, but this is my main bread and butter now.
Do you have any breakfast?
There's some cereal in the cabinet over there.
[dramatic whooshing]
[liquid dribbling]
[carton thuds] [tense music]
[girl groans]
[guy slurping]
When...
[guy slurping]
[guy sighs]
When is the food shipment coming in?
Um, they said in the next couple of days,
but there has been reports of delays.
Okay, well...
Okay.
What?
I need to see what you have so that I can survive.
Is something wrong?
Nope.
Are you sure?
'Cause it seems like something's wrong.
People are dying, and the economy is crashing,
and the world is ending, and we're out of milk.
[scoffs] I don't have milk.
I know. There's none left.
No. I don't have milk.
Well, you failed to mention that
before telling me there was cereal.
I have almond drink.
Whatever you have, you don't have it anymore.
You know, dairy lobbyists
actually don't allow alternatives
to put milk on their labels.
Huh, interesting.
Just seems like the cow people
are getting desperate is all.
[cabinets slamming]
Any luck there, Sergeant?
Who knows where we'll be in a week, three weeks?
Maybe longer.
Come on, we need to have a plan.
I do have a plan. It's sit back and wait it out.
Take this seriously.
I'm taking this seriously.
No, you're not. You're drinking all the milk.
Almond drink.
Shut the fuck up.
[guy scoffs]
[guy sighs]
[carton thuds]
Almond drink has hella shelf-life.
If you need something, just ask for something.
I don't appreciate all the yelling.
Do you have any more almond drink?
Why yes, next to the refrigerator.
[Girl] Thank you.
You're welcome.
Ooh la-la, this will be very important in the coming days.
Ah.
Yeah, no, not that.
Come on, why not?
Totally, what's mine is yours,
just not this one, please.
What, are you saving up for when things get really bad?
[chuckles] Nah, kind of the opposite actually.
What do you mean?
My dad gave this to me when I graduated,
said to save it for the next big step in my life.
Kind of feels like a big step.
Totally, just not this one.
What? I'm sure he would buy you a new one.
I don't think he will.
Welp, I gotta get to work,
[chuckles] lot of peens to sort through
with everyone bein' home and all.
[gentle music]
Oh my god, gross.
[bright music]
Hello?
[Deadre] Hey, yo, what's up, girly?
It's Deadre from PKV Group.
Oh, hey Deadre.
[Deadre] [groans] How are you doing in all this?
Yeah, it's, I mean, crazy, huh?
[Deadre] So crazy, right?
Yeah, like, we're all here like, what the heck?
And the world's like, not now, fam. [giggles]
Yeah, I know.
Mm-hmm, I'm so excited to start working, though,
when it's over.
[Deadre] Yeah, no, totally.
Um, crazy thing about that, girly, [groans]
and this sucks so much to say,
but, like, we actually are having to lay off, like,
pretty much everybody.
Oh?
[Deadre] I know. Eesh, am I right?
Like, kill me. Like, literally fucking kill me.
Uh-huh.
[Deadre] [groans] So that's even, like, new hires,
which is why I'm calling.
We're going to have to rescind the offer, hon.
[distant siren wailing]
But I, I moved here.
[Deadre] I know, right?
It's like bummer central out here for everybody.
Even marketing is, like, so dead. It's nuts.
But hopefully the company will get to stay afloat,
and we can retain some employees when the time comes.
Like, honestly, girl, like, I am with you right now.
Like, I had to cancel my summer plans.
Like, I was supposed to go with my girlfriend, Tia.
We were gonna go to Cape Cod, yeah.
I heard, like, it's this gorgeous house
that her family has there. ♪ Marvel as the time flies ♪
[Deadre drones indistinctly] ♪ Right by, baby ♪
♪ And leaves you behind in the dust ♪
♪ Everything you bought, such a sad thought, babe ♪
[distant guns banging]
[Guy] No!
[guy shouts]
What?
No! God. [groans]
As soon as this is over, I am gonna come over there
and kick your nine-year-old ass.
I'm not a pervert. You're a pervert.
Oh, hey, I was starting get worried about you.
No. [sighs]
Are you playing video games?
Yeah, sorry, I get a little competitive.
[girl laughs]
What's so funny?
I just didn't know they made video games for grownups.
Grownups?
Yeah, the last time I saw somebody playing a video game,
they were a child.
Last time I heard someone use the word grownups,
I was a child.
Okay. It's just a little silly is all.
I guess if you find a multi-billion dollar industry silly,
then yeah.
Yeah, I do.
Well, geez, sorry I had nothin' to do
while you were sittin' in your room all day.
[girl sighs]
[door slams]
What the hell?
♪ Why don't you take from me ♪
[phone buzzing]
♪ Why don't you take from ♪ [phone chimes]
[Friend] Hey.
[Girl] Hey.
[Friend] Where are you? Are you okay?
Uh, yeah.
My first hookup in years,
and I am already living with the guy.
I, I'm, I'm sorry, what?
It's fine. He seems harmless enough.
Oh my god, stay there.
Anika and I are gonna parachute in and get you.
We are coming to get you, girl.
Hey Anika.
Oh my god, have you told Clayton yet?
What? No.
Are you kidding me? He'd flip.
Yeah.
So?
What?
[Friend] So what is the guy like?
Oh.
Uh, let's just say it's gonna be a long three weeks.
[Friend] It's that bad, huh?
I mean, he plays video games, smacks his food.
[Friend] Sounds like a dream.
Oh, and get this. His job?
He looks at dick pics all day.
[Friend] What does that even mean?
[women laughing]
Girl, seriously, run.
That is some Jeffrey Dahmer shit.
Run away, just run.
Stop. You guys are making me so jealous.
[knuckles rapping]
♪ Look here for me ♪
Oh, hold on one second.
♪ The way I cared for you ♪
Dumb.
♪ Are you prepared to see ♪
♪ A different point of view ♪
♪ Why don't you take it from me ♪
Who did that?
What?
[ominous tones reverberating]
[tranquil music]
[person chuckling]
[person laughing]
[button clicking] [tranquil music grows louder]
[person laughing]
[girl groans]
[Sister] This is your dream.
- Admit it. - Shut up.
You're the one without a job.
[Sister] Mom.
- Be nice. - What?
- You know I'm right. - Okay, don't be a dick.
[Mom] Well, Edna says-
- [Guy And Sister] Oh, Edna. [laughs]
Can you please wear headphones?
- Okay. - Is that a girl?
- Someone is getting laid. - Is that your girlfriend?
- Shut up. - Hi, honey.
- What's your name? - Okay, gotta go.
- Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. - Sweetie, sweetie.
I thought it was video games again.
I do other things, you know.
I'm not just some nerdy gamer.
I wasn't...
You can talk to your family. I might just make some tea.
Nah, they're fine. It's fine.
They, you know, can talk without me.
My mom's...
[clears throat] I love her.
Oh, also, thank you for making me dinner last night.
No problem. I just felt bad with everything going on.
So I figured I'd make you
one of my world famous grilled cheeses.
I can give you the recipe right now, too.
It's bread and cheese, some butter.
[laughs] It was good.
I, uh, lost my job.
Oh shit, I'm sorry.
Hey, well, you know what?
Don't worry about rent this month.
I've got you covered. [laughs]
Food and bills, I'm not so sure about that,
but we'll see what's goin' on, look into the credit card...
Oh.
Obviously I'm kidding.
I'm sorry.
[Guy] There's no rent.
[sobs] It's just that
I just moved to here, and, like,
my life is like-
- Oh, hey. - is a mess,
and I don't know what I'm gonna [indistinct].
It's okay.
You know, a lot of people are losing their jobs, and...
[gasps] I'm sorry.
[girl sobs]
What the hell is happening?
It's gonna be okay.
Trust me.
[girl sobs]
I do have to get my bacon, though.
Oh.
[bacon sizzling] [girl sniffling]
[guy groans]
[smoke alarm beeping] Faster!
[Girl] Shut up!
Keep wafting!
- I'm trying! - Shut up!
[girl groans]
Shut up!
Wanna go for a walk?
[gentle music]
[Girl] Does it get old, looking at dicks all day?
[Guy] No, actually it was my childhood dream
to scroll through endless, horrendous photos online.
[Girl] So why do you do it then?
I started an app after college with some buddies,
and it failed big time.
So, uh, you know,
this was the first thing that was offered to me,
and here we are.
Were you excited about your new job, you know?
Kind of, yeah.
I think I was mostly just excited
to get away from my old life.
Oh, but I mean, New York City, you know.
It's a grind.
Some people were a grind.
Like, uh, an ex?
How did you know?
It was a wild guess.
Wow.
You don't move for just-
- People. - People.
We were engaged.
Oh, wow, shit.
What happened, if you don't mind me asking?
Uh, just life.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
What about you?
What about me?
Any big relationships?
She was ugly.
- Oh god, it- - What?
It was ugly.
It was an ugly situation. It ended poorly.
Okay.
I know all about that.
- Oh, you do? - Yes.
So your fiance came out to you,
and told you that she had been cheating on you
with your business partner?
Yikes.
Yeah.
I know this sounds really silly,
but I always kind of wanted a relationship
like my parents, you know.
They met, fell in love, got married very quickly.
Very cute, sounds very ideal.
It was.
Why was?
My dad had a heart attack,
passed away a few years back, so.
I'm sorry.
I just wanna skip to the part of a relationship
where you get to sit on a porch,
and you don't have to talk, and, you know, you're just-
- Yeah, you wanna not talk to your partner.
Exactly. That is perfection.
One girl told me I was holding her back
from her true potential.
And I guess her true potential was a guy named Melvin.
Stop.
So I'm starting to wonder if something's wrong with me.
I'm kind of wondering
if there's something wrong with these girls.
I get it when you do something bad, right.
Like, or you can see the steps that led to a breakup, but-
- Yeah.
Screw cheaters. Seriously, like, let me know.
Don't put me through the ringer.
It's, [groans] I just...
I'm kind of getting dizzy.
Yeah.
[buoyant music]
♪ Well, I'm just fine ♪
♪ To take it on myself ♪
Hey yinz, welcome back to Harper's How-tos.
Today we are going to do something a little fun.
We are gonna make men's clothing into women's.
And what I...
♪ 'Cause I'm dealin' with enough ♪
♪ The wasted years come crawlin' toward you ♪
♪ Now you need some help ♪
♪ Well, I know it's hard when you're lonesome ♪
♪ Your sorrow can soak to the bone ♪
♪ One day you'll find that you're bleedin' out ♪
♪ But, baby, I'm already gone ♪
♪ Well, I know it's hard when you're lonesome ♪
♪ And sorrow can soak to the bone ♪
♪ Yeah, one day you'll fine that you're bleedin' out ♪
♪ And, baby, I'm already gone ♪
Devin, Daddy has to talk with work right now, okay?
Stay with mama. Bye.
[door clicks]
Dude, just be happy you don't have kids right now.
Yeah, that sounds kind of fun, though.
How are the little dudes?
I never thought I would say this, and Catherine agrees,
but they're not cool.
What?
Like, I just, I would never hang out with my kids
if I wasn't responsible for their lives.
Do you know what I mean?
- Oh my god, no. - You know, like,
I don't wanna smoke weed with them
or play pool with them or whatever.
Like, they're dumb.
Yeah, they're toddlers.
Yeah, well, we will talk when you have a few of your own.
I don't think we will.
Hey, Devin.
[child giggling] Devin, go back inside.
It's not safe. The virus is out here.
Daddy, go.
- Daddy [indistinct]. - Go back inside, buddy.
[groans] Oh, how's the, uh, how's that girl you're with?
She's honestly really cool.
I mean, she's a little
- angry, but- - Ooh, bad sign, man.
That's a bad sign, because along you're with them,
the angrier they get, and you don't want...
They're gonna just...
She's gonna get angrier.
What?
Doesn't matter what you do. They just get angrier.
I think it's aging for them.
You know, we get more handsome. They get, um, angrier.
[door creaks] [guy sighs]
[child giggling] Wait, Devin.
Devin, grab two more of these from the fridge.
Yeah, can you bring me...
Devin, hey, Devin.
You're a bad father.
No, you're not, you're not supposed to be a good father.
You don't get it. You'll get it.
But you don't get it.
What?
You don't get it, man.
[lighthearted music]
♪ Floatin' through the moonlight, darlin' ♪
Where are the razors?
♪ Does it seem like for once in your life ♪
♪ You might be where you belong ♪
♪ Belong ♪
♪ And, darlin', as it turns out ♪
Ow! [bright music]
Shit.
Oh shit.
♪ Belong ♪
Ow.
[girl sighs]
♪ Well, I wish that you were here ♪
[door creaks]
♪ Well, I wish that you were ♪
Hey.
♪ Here ♪
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothin'.
Can I come up?
Hey.
Um, I'm sorry I yelled at you this morning,
and last night, and yesterday.
It's okay.
Honestly, I'm surprised you haven't yelled at me.
Yeah.
Oh, wait.
Hold on one second.
What is this?
No. Where did you find that?
I've just been bored.
Are you spying on me?
[Girl] What is it?
[sighs] I had a rap-rock group.
So this is you.
Oh my god.
[gritty music]
♪ There is no future ♪
Oh my god.
We listened to a lot of Lincoln Park and Evanescence
at the time.
The Children of Brokenness?
We also had a record deal, I swear.
- No, no, no, no, no, no. - Yes.
Yes, yes, yes, yes.
What is this?
♪ Brokenness ♪
[girl growls]
♪ We ♪
♪ We are ♪ ♪ Children of ♪
- [girl laughs] - And we have a full disc.
♪ We know hopelessness ♪
♪ We ♪
[gentle music]
♪ Well, I wish that you were here ♪
[knuckles rapping]
Hi.
Hey.
Uh, do you mind if I sleep in here tonight?
Just, the bed downstairs isn't very comfortable.
Uh, totally, yeah.
Thanks.
I'll stay on my side.
[chuckles] I can put a pillow in between us,
so, uh, no funny business.
♪ So wrong ♪
[bright music]
♪ So long, Ma, and so long, Pa ♪
♪ It's an awful shame to end this way ♪
♪ I'm not surprised at all ♪
♪ Sunshine, blue skies ♪
♪ Walkin' down the road ♪
Bro, I never said, "We're all gonna die."
Okay, what I said was, "We all could die."
Big difference.
♪ Sunshine, blue skies ♪
♪ Just walkin' down the road ♪
[bright music continues]
♪ Troubled waters circlin' down below ♪
♪ Right now I'd wish I'd burned that bridge ♪
♪ A long, long time ago ♪
Back in the day, we didn't call them experts.
We call 'em nerds, and we pantsed 'em,
and we stuck their heads in toilets and flushed it,
their hair all swirled around, and everybody laughed.
Hey.
Hi. [Mom gasps]
- Oh! - Oh my god!
[Girl] Did you check the expiration date on that meat?
Nah, that doesn't matter.
[girl coughing]
[bright music continues]
♪ Times are changin' ♪
♪ Time to step outside ♪
♪ And realize what you're searchin' for ♪
♪ Is right before your eyes ♪
♪ Sunshine, blue skies ♪
♪ Just walkin' down the road ♪
- Toilet paper. - Throw pillows or...
[bright music continues]
[singer whistling melodically]
Suck on deez nuts!
[Gamer] Ooh, she killed your ass.
That's not what your mama said last night,
you little punk.
I'm not sayin' pour this down your mouth,
but what if you just drink little bit of it?
[bright music continues]
[guy and girl sobbing]
Just a few more steps, and-
- Are you gonna walk us both off the patio?
No. Why would I do that?
[clears throat] Voila.
Wow.
What is it?
So do you remember our first date?
Our only date.
Sure.
But you told me you wanted to learn something.
Hmm.
So I figured I'd teach you how to two-step.
[button clicks] [radio hums]
What? I thought you didn't know how.
I might've taught myself a thing or two.
Hmm.
Ma'am.
[gentle music]
Now, it's pretty simple.
It's just a little one, two,
bend, two.
Back, and then I do
- a little spin right here. - Ooh.
- Oops. - And, oh, whoops.
- Sorry, I, uh- - Whoops.
set these lights a little low.
Okay.
Have you ever heard about that study,
where any two people can fall in love?
Mm, I didn't think you were such a romantic.
No, I...
Well, apparently, if you ask each other a bunch of questions
and then stare into one another's eyes for five minutes,
you fall in love.
Oh?
You wanna try?
Okay.
♪ But if you fall ♪
[laughs] Okay.
♪ If you fall ♪
[guy exhales deeply]
♪ Well, if you fall ♪
♪ Go on and lose it all ♪
♪ And fall ♪
♪ Fall apart ♪
♪ Well, I don't think you meant what you said ♪
♪ I know your heart ♪
♪ So quick to take ♪
That was not five minutes. [laughs]
I cheated on my fiance.
Oh.
Once.
Okay.
I'm a terrible person.
I mean...
I like you.
That's why I'm, I'm telling you this.
I thought you didn't want a relationship.
I didn't, I...
I don't.
Oh. [sighs]
We were falling out for years, not going anywhere.
Like, I feel like he just proposed to me
just to avoid a fight.
But you said yes.
Yeah. Yeah, I said yes.
I, I,
I just didn't know how to break it off with him.
I mean, he knew me so well, and I knew him.
And, and,
and the last thing I wanted to do was break his heart.
And instead I did way worse.
[sighs] I am a shit.
I wouldn't say that.
I am.
No, I wouldn't say "a shit."
Okay, I'm a, a tramp.
[laughs] I definitely want to say that either.
I'm a cheater.
Please say something.
[guy sighs]
My cousin took me fishing once, so boring.
I hated it, truly.
Not...
Don't say just anything, like...
[guy sighs]
Just because I went fishing once
doesn't make me a fishermen, you know?
Okay.
You cheated.
You are not a fisherman.
Okay.
I think I get what you're saying.
I'm saying
I like you, too.
[gentle music continues]
I'm afraid to ask.
What?
Is it the world ending, or do you actually like me?
[laughs] Believe it or not, I actually like you.
I wish you didn't have to say "believe it or not,"
but thanks.
[both laugh]
[gentle music continues] [singer whistles melodically]
[guy snores softly]
[phone ringing] [phone buzzing]
Hey.
Nope!
[girl sighs]
[phone ringing]
Hey.
[Clayton] You look...
Are you good?
Yeah. Uh, I'm safe, and you?
Good, uh, got back to my family's cabin upstate
before all this happened, so.
Oh, that's good.
That's good.
- How's the- - I've been...
What?
Uh, nothing, just...
[phone audio distorts]
Oh, uh.
Sor-
- It's stuck.
[Clayton] I had a lot of time
- to think, so- - Okay, you're back.
Sorry?
- [phone audio distorts] - Stuck?
I'll just let you talk.
Can you hear me?
Why are you nodding?
I just don't wanna talk while-
- You don't wanna talk?
No, no, no, no, it's-
- [Clayton] No?
No, I do wanna talk.
Then why did you answer?
No, I [scoffs]...
Okay, I'm sorry, it...
Yeah, it's a little too late for that now.
- Clayton, I made a mistake. - Why'd I even bother calling?
[girl sighs]
Hey, hey, hey, the you are. [girl mutters]
- Oh. - Oh my god.
Who the hell is that?
Who is that? Who are you on the phone with?
My ex.
What?
Put pants on!
That's who you left me for?
I'm the other man?
What?
Seriously, him? That?
Hey.
Hey, leave.
- Sorry. - Get the hell out.
Clayton, I'm sorry, it's-
- I don't know why I even bother calling.
I really don't know why I even bother trying to fix this.
You can't fix us.
I don't, I don't want you to. [sighs]
Listen, I'm...
I am an asshole,
okay, and I will never, ever forgive myself.
And you don't deserve that.
You don't deserve me.
You don't.
Clayton?
[phone beeps]
[groans] Damn it.
[sighs] You still haven't put clothes on.
Did you cheat on your fiance with me?
Why are you still naked?
He was very attractive.
The Wi-Fi's out.
What?
I need air.
He was very attractive.
I need air.
Am I the other man?
No!
[girl screams] [ominous tone reverberates]
Hiya, neighbor. Oh my heavens, he's buck naked.
[guy gasps]
Jerky?
Huh?
You want some jerky?
What kind of meat is it?
It's just generic.
Huh.
17 years of marriage,
and you wouldn't think a mandatory lockdown
would be the thing that breaks us, but it is. [laughs]
[Joe] You'd think it'd be her cookin'.
What did you say?
I said that you'd think that it would be your cookin'
that would break us apart, or, you know, after all years.
We really do appreciate y'all openin' your door for us.
We really needed human connection, you know?
[Nancy squeaks]
I
think we may go, or...
No, no, no, no, no.
No, please stay. Please stay.
Don't go. Stay, please.
I know, why don't you tell me
how you little love birds met.
Uh. [laughs]
I'm a bit of a prepper, myself.
What?
I said, I'm a bit of a prepper.
Oh, a bit, you should see our garage.
It's just one giant jar of peanut butter.
- Shh. - What?
I told you to be quiet about that.
- What? - We keep it on the DL.
- What? - We don't talk about
- what's in the- - Nobody wants to get
your freeze-dried MREs, Joe.
[Joe chuckles] Nobody wants them.
You'd be surprised.
Are you kidding?
She's kidding, right?
So, young love, it's so nice.
Oh, it's, we're not...
It's not? [girl laughs]
We should do a game night.
They hardly know us, Joe.
We are known for our game nights.
Oh.
Joe won't take me to concerts.
[Girl] Oh.
So how long have you been a prepper?
Read an article about
how the federal government controls water supply lines
and bought my first urine-to-water converter
about 15 years ago.
Drove me crazy, but look at us now,
drivin' everyone crazy, huh.
Who'd have thought we'd need our social circle
to stay sane, but I guess, at the end of the day,
you need your friends.
[guy and girl chuckle] [Nancy laughs boisterously]
And I can't figure out how to use the dang video telephone.
Can you help with that? Can you help him with his phone?
- I mean- - Is that thing
to convert pee to water?
No, we have that part down, honey. We can do that.
Basically, government's makin' plans
to weaken the tent poles of the society.
Thankfully, we have a president who isn't an insider,
like all those sewer rats.
I'm sorry, excuse me?
It's a fact.
Now, Joe has a composter.
I read things, different things.
You don't, you don't actually think
that the president has our best interest.
[Joe] It's a fact. I mean, I read a lot of stuff.
Can you compost paper towels?
Got about six more months of this lockdown, minimum.
Unbleached paper towels, they'll compost.
That cannot be accurate.
- It's accurate. - Six months?
Any unbleached paper product will do.
I mean, it's very good
- for the soil. - Maybe not according to
- mainstream media projections. - It oxidizes it.
You gotta keep the masses from panicking, man.
- That can't be accurate. - Or maybe it nitrodizes,
- like nitrogen. - I read a lot
- of different things. - I can't remember.
- I'd say about 15 years- - I've actually
- been trying- - if we're gonna-
- to get into composting. - put a number on it. - What the hell are you saying?
[Nancy whimpers]
[Joe scoffs]
[Guy] Okay, okay, it's saying there's a Wi-Fi signal,
just no service, but the ethernet...
Wait.
Maybe you should call the company.
[Guy] No, I've had this happen before.
Geez, six months.
That guy was crazy.
Damn it.
That guy was crazy.
Can we talk about how your ex saw my junk
and then said, uh, "You left me for that?"
Let me try.
[Guy] Go ahead.
I cannot be trapped here for six months,
not without Wi-Fi.
I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were trapped.
[Girl] What?
I didn't realize you were trapped.
[Girl] It says there's a Wi-Fi signal but no service.
I already said that.
[Girl] All right, should I call the company?
No, I will figure it out.
Am I a rebound?
Stop that.
I just, I feel used.
[Girl] Stop that.
I do.
[Girl] Six months with no Wi-Fi?
You should call the company.
Stop saying that.
What are we gonna do the whole time, read?
[guy sighs]
[Guy] Why did you tell Nancy that we weren't a thing?
Because we're not.
I don't know. It's new.
Is that why you called your ex?
He called me.
And you answered.
Sounds like regret to me.
[bottles clinking]
I knew this was too good to be true.
Admit it. Just please, let's be up front.
This was too good to be true.
I haven't talked to him since everything.
I'm just, I'm confused.
Okay.
I will call about the Wi-Fi.
You told me that you didn't wanna be in a relationship,
and so I held off trying. [recording speaking faintly]
Thank you for sparing me.
[Guy] Okay.
English.
You know what I mean.
[Girl] No.
Geez, I just mean that I was actively trying
not to fall for you.
I'm talking to the phone.
I, [sighs]
I just can't handle another broken heart.
[Girl] No, damn it.
- Chill. - Don't tell me to chill.
Don't string me along.
Speak with operator.
Please.
Why is the Wi-Fi not working?
Why were you talking to your fiance?
Ex.
Did you miss him after sleeping with me?
- Resetting your router. - Yes.
Okay.
I'm talking...
You are exhausting.
Broken internet.
Can you please put down the phone?
Yes.
No.
Why did you call him, regret?
We were together for eight years.
[Guy] What?
Yeah, I answered an eight-year ex's phone call, okay?
[Automated Voice] Can you repeat your issue?
Are you happy? Is that good?
Broken internet.
[Automated Voice] Please hold as I connect you
with the nearest representative.
[Guy] Trapped with some nerdy guy
who looks at dicks all day.
You are so insecure.
So you actually think that?
That's how you see yourself.
No, no, that's how I heard you laughing
and talking to your friends about me.
Oh, so you were spying on me?
You weren't exactly quiet about it.
I, I didn't know you then.
Yeah? So?
So you aren't in my position.
Ah, ah, ah, trapped in your position.
[scoffs] Now you sound like my ex.
Stop comparing me to him.
I'm doing that enough as it is.
[Girl] What? Who?
Your ex.
What?
What do you mean what?
This morning, when I walked in,
and an Adonis of a man saw my naked body
and was surprised that someone like you
would ever end up with someone like me.
[Girl] How can you even think like that?
How can I not think like that?
You're gorgeous, and I'm, uh...
I knew it was too good to be true.
Yeah, I know. You already said that.
So it is.
No.
Are you talking to the phone?
Are you talking to me?
To the phone?
[Automated Voice] Thank you for your patience.
We appreciate your service.
Telecom Services offers
the fastest and most reliable internet in our country.
Thank you for being our customer.
You lied on our first date.
Wouldn't you, if your job was looking at
America's most wanted cock and balls?
[groans] Gross.
You're gross.
Since when does failing at making one app
make you an app developer?
At least I have a job.
Okay.
[Automated Voice] Have you tried resetting your router?
You like playing with my heart.
You like saying one thing and then doing another.
No, I don't.
Yes, you do.
Oh my god. I hate it here.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Oh, boo-hoo.
You are such a mean person.
Oh god, you act like you're the Elephant Man.
Don't break my heart like you did your ex-fiance's.
No, you're manipulating this to make me feel bad,
- and I won't, I refuse. - You have been patronizing me
since day one, and I'm so-
- Lazy is lazy,
and quitting after failing on your dreams once
shows that you're ready to quit
- on everything else easily too. - I'm ready to quit
on everything else?
You are an adulterer.
An adulterer?
Yeah, and you're so angry.
I am working on that.
I knew this was too good to be true.
Oh my god, you are such a fucking headcase.
And you're a cheater, and you don't deserve love!
You're right.
We're through.
We never were.
You have made that abundantly clear.
[door slams]
[Automated Voice] We're sorry.
Due to an increase in demand,
no representatives are available for the next-
- [Automated Voice] 43 hours.
Shut up!
[Automated Voice] Goodbye.
[phone beeps]
[girl sighs]
[ominous tones reverberating]
♪ Well, I don't wanna play anymore ♪
♪ 'Cause, baby, Norm's on second base ♪
♪ And left field feels like ♪
[plate crashes] [guy shouts]
What the hell? What's wrong with you?
What the hell? [plate crashes]
I'm charging you for that.
Go ahead.
You're a real psycho, you know.
Piece of shit.
♪ Well, I don't wanna pray anymore ♪
[chomping echoing]
♪ Well, I don't wanna pray anymore ♪
[chomping echoing]
You're an asshole.
I'm just checkin' to make sure this thing works.
[girl groans]
[door slams]
[door creaks]
Did you drink all the almond milk?
[sighs] Almond drink.
Bitch.
♪ Hope it's worth it ♪
♪ All the dreams you were denied ♪
- ♪ Every single time ♪ - Fuck!
[gentle music]
[footsteps thudding]
What are you doing?
[Guy] Gotta shit.
Not now, you don't.
Now, I do.
[guy flatulates]
- [guy groans] - What are...
No. What are you doing?
Oh man, ow, ow.
[water splashes] Oh my god.
That's like a baseball.
Oh my god.
[guy groans] [guy flatulates]
I'm gonna die.
Flush the toilet.
Flush the toilet, and wash your hands!
[Guy] I'm saving water.
Flush the toilet!
It's just not fair to consistently put my trust into...
I don't wanna put 'em in one group, but women.
I mean, I do trust women, but it hurts
to get my heart broken,
to get cheated on or sidestepped, and [sighs]
I just feel like maybe it's just me,
because everyone else seems to have it figured out.
Far as I'm concerned,
the only two healthy responses in relationships
are, "Yes, dear," and, "I'm sorry, dear."
And that's it.
Do you have pants on under there?
Wait, it's green. [gasps]
Oh my god, it's green.
Yes, thank you so much.
I fixed the...
♪ Well, I don't wanna ♪ I fixed the Wi-Fi!
♪ Play anymore ♪
Things took a turn for the worse here.
She tried to bite you?
What? No.
Pretty good guess, though, yeah?
- No. - I'm usually pretty good
at picking out the biters.
[sighs] How do you do it, man?
Do what?
Life with someone else, with Catherine.
How do you make it work?
[puffs breath] Shit.
Yeah. I'm feeling that.
Oh, no, no. I, uh, I shit.
You know, the bathroom, it's kind of like my office now.
- [toilet flushes] - Oh.
I am never gonna pretend
that I fully understand Catherine, 'cause I don't.
Like, sometimes we'll just be watching "Chicago PD,"
havin' a great time, and she will just start weeping,
like just crying, tears, tears,
and somehow that's my fault.
Sounds confusing.
Yeah, but, man, if I got married again,
she would definitely be my best man.
That's actually really sweet.
And even with the crying for no reason at all
or the look she gives me or, like, the yelling at me
'cause I accidentally killed the cat-
- What? What?
I still love her, you know,
even with those faults of hers, you know?
I mean, I really love everything about her.
Hmm.
You've just gotta accept people for who they are.
Like, I'm not good with tools.
Like, I can't hang a TV on the wall
without it, like, fallin' off
and droppin' it on the cat, or whatever.
[knuckles rapping]
- What is going on here? - Yeah?
Okay. Okay, buddy, gotta go.
[phone beeps]
[toilet flushes]
[Announcer] Coming up on "Sex Island."
[Woman] [beep] bugger, it's either me or Tristan.
[Man] I never [beep] touched her, you bloody [beep].
[Announcer] Tensions get high in the Bum Hut.
[guns rattling]
[Woman] I saw you lickin' [phone chiming]
his Johnny right in the Bum Hut.
I smelt your porky pie.
[Man] Oh yeah, she was snoggin' on my wanker.
[guns rattling] [phone chiming]
No, no, no, no, no, no.
[Both] No, no, no, no, no, no.
No!
To the American people,
y'all have been fire through all of this, for real.
I mean, minus the tragic deaths
and the other party tryin' to make me out
to be some kind of bad guy.
Like, [scoffs] I mean, what's that about anyway?
Like, who wins in that?
But you, the people, y'all have been mega chill.
So I'm gonna break it to you.
I've been talkin' with my team, and they, they laid it out,
very easy terms.
We have to stay in a little longer.
I'm actually not sure how much longer, maybe a lot longer.
We don't know.
This is hell.
- But just sit tight. - I'm in hell.
- This is hell. - 'Cause I got this. I'm gonna tell you right now.
- How can they even... - I'm the president
- of the United States. - Oh my god.
- I'm not even quite sure- - This is hell.
- how much longer that is. - [scoffs] That's...
- Hell, I'm in hell. - A little longer, a lot longer. - There's no way.
- This is hell, this is hell. - More longer.
- Stay frosty, America. - Oh my god.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
- [girl whimpers] - Peace.
[girl sobbing]
I just wanna go home. I wanna see my family.
[girl sobbing]
♪ Well, hand grenades and horseshoes, baby ♪
♪ Close is not the only thing ♪
♪ I can give you close to nothin' ♪
♪ I just want you close to me ♪
[gentle music]
♪ Well, you said that I'm halfway crazy ♪
♪ But halfway beats the whole damn thing ♪
♪ So when I say I'm crazy 'bout you ♪
♪ Babe, I know just what I mean ♪
♪ Well, the going's always easy ♪
♪ But it's so hard bein' gone ♪
♪ Well, hand grenades and horseshoes, baby ♪
♪ Close is not the only thing ♪
What are you doing?
Good morning.
You're freaking me out.
I figured, since the world is ending,
and we're stuck with each other for God knows how long,
and we can't be in love,
and I don't think we should be in hate,
we might as well be in friends.
Okay.
And do you know what friends do?
Have sex?
What? No.
What kind of friends do you have?
Not that kind, I just thought that's where you were going.
Why would I be going there?
I don't know. You're a guy.
Okay, point taken, but no.
Friends get drunk together.
No, that's your dad's. I can't.
It is, but I can't think of
a better time to drink it than now.
Dude, no.
Too late.
Yes.
[girl laughs]
Let's get swastey.
[glasses clink] [bright upbeat music]
[both groaning]
♪ Well, I traced the deepest trenches ♪
♪ Of your heart's topography ♪ [both cheering]
♪ And the darkness was extensive ♪
♪ Least as far as I can see ♪
♪ God damn the mess you made me ♪
♪ You're the wretch that just might save me, I believe ♪
Mm-mm. [groans]
What?
That's the worst one yet.
Oh yeah, it's so gross
♪ Underneath our feet ♪
♪ In the cold organic matter ♪ [guy shouts]
♪ That we're never meant to see ♪
♪ God damn the mess you made me ♪
♪ You're the wretch that just might save me, I believe ♪
- Okay. - Okay.
Every time the news says virus, you have to take a drink.
[laughs] Okay.
[Reporter] And I do mean that literally.
It is an extremely contagious virus-
- There's another one. - that a lot of people
need to be taking a serious.
Dude, no way.
[Girl] What? What?
I think I have the plug.
[gasps] No.
[drone humming]
[Both] Weed drone!
Hell yeah.
The future is crazy.
Yeah.
Now what do we do?
I don't know. I thought you smoked.
I thought you smoked.
♪ On ancient page in blood as black as ink ♪
♪ That night you gave your life away ♪
♪ To love and be set free ♪
♪ God damn the mess you made me ♪
♪ You're the wretch ♪
- Oh no. - Son of a bitch.
All definitely could be a metaphor.
Like, I'm not opposed to that.
Work could be [indistinct].
♪ And you circled round ♪ ♪ Lovin' ♪
♪ Some pentagram as smoke ♪ ♪ You, you ♪
♪ Filled up the street ♪ ♪ I will ♪
Oh my god, I have an idea.
What?
Let's TP Joe and Nancy.
[laughs] Yes, dude.
[bright upbeat music continues]
One.
[alarm blaring]
[shotgun clicks] [dog barks]
[guy groans]
Holy shit.
Oh my god, what?
- Holy shit! - I told you
he had a gun. [laughs]
We got TPed, Nance.
They got us real good.
- I don't even know what- - It's a scooter-
- this is, but I like it. - scooter-based dating app.
You can own your own apart...
You can own an apartment.
♪ God damn the mess you made me ♪
♪ You're the wretch that just might save me, I believe ♪
I don't know if that's an app.
[both laugh]
You have not.
I have dyed my beard, yes.
[both laugh]
Why?
This side gets uneven, and I get the goatee and...
That's so g-
[both gasp]
You were just gonna say he didn't say-
- But I didn't say it.
- You are such a hater, dude. - Stop, dude, stop.
My best friends are gay.
So you were gonna say it!
No!
Yes!
[girl squeals]
You hate your best friends.
♪ It all was meant to be ♪ [guy growling]
♪ God damn the mess you made me ♪
♪ You're the wretch that just might save me, I believe ♪
[guy laughs]
Oh. [gasps]
Does this make my legs look big?
Oh shh.
Oh no.
Are you okay?
[groans] I just feel bad.
[girl gasps]
Wait.
Ready? [giggles]
[guy laughs]
Sup?
What's up?
Do I look hot?
[laughs] So hot.
Really? [guy laughs]
I think I'm...
You look really hot in this outfit.
Shut up. [laughs]
Oh, whoa.
What?
You don't? No?
[fireworks crackling]
Oh.
Holy shit.
[sighs] Ow.
What was that?
Guns?
[girl whimpers]
[guy groans]
Water.
[dramatic whooshing]
I can't see anything.
[guy groans]
[Reporter] Tonight, with the discovery of a vaccine,
the president addressed the nation.
Yeah, we did it!
American, America!
Yeah, baby, we did it.
We did...
Oh, you know what, I should say, I did it, okay.
I made it happen.
I don't know if y'all heard,
but my little homeys at the CDC did their thing,
and they made the thing to stop the thing
so we can get on with this thing.
You know what I'm sayin'? [laughs]
Feels good, man.
So y'all just get back to your lives.
Get back to livin', and do your thing.
Whoo, yeah!
Yeah, whoo!
And [beep] you, [beep] you if you didn't believe in me.
[Reporter] Lockdown will be lifted in droves
over the next two months,
depending on local municipal authority's release plan.
[lighthearted music]
[Guy] Let me get this.
Thank you.
[both sigh]
Well, hey, I guess I'll, uh, see you around.
Yeah, maybe not for a while.
[laughs] Agreed.
Hey, for real, thank you again.
Don't mention it, you know.
♪ Well, I wish that you were here. ♪
Should be here like any second.
Totally, totally.
And about us...
Oh, dude, just, uh...
I think we should enjoy the fact that this is over,
- you know? - [sighs] Yeah, yes.
It's over.
We tried it.
Didn't work.
We move on. [chuckles]
Maybe in different circumstances.
Maybe, maybe.
Probably not.
[guy chuckles]
It was fun.
I just wouldn't recommend it to anyone else.
No.
[car rumbling]
That's it.
Well, hey.
Bye.
Yeah.
Okay, bye.
[guy laughs]
Bye.
And hey, uh, enjoy the city.
It's actually much bigger than my house.
[Girl] I hope so, yeah.
[guy chuckles]
See ya.
[mellow music]
♪ Well, this time ♪
♪ Won't be the last time ♪
♪ The last time that I come around ♪
♪ And still somehow make it out alive ♪
♪ Well, this time ♪
♪ Won't be the last time ♪
♪ The last time I get knocked down ♪
♪ To you, I'm bound, and who's to say it's right ♪
♪ Well, if you fall ♪
♪ Yeah, if you fall ♪
♪ Go on and lose it all ♪
♪ And fall ♪
♪ Fall apart ♪
♪ Well, I don't think you meant what you said ♪
♪ I know your heart ♪
♪ So quick to take the long way most days ♪
♪ You say somethin' that you read on a loose page, baby ♪
♪ Livin' in your head like an old sage ♪
♪ Ain't so dark ♪
[Hostess] Hi, welcome.
♪ Fall apart ♪
[hostess speaks indistinctly]
[singer whistling melodically]
[Hostess] All set, thank you.
I'm actually just meeting a friend here.
I see her right there.
[mellow music continues]
Hi.
Hello. [chuckles]
Wow.
Uh, how are you?
I'm good. I'm good.
Um, I quit my job.
Wow, ballsy.
No, no, not anymore, no more balls.
[both laugh]
So what are you doing now?
Uh, I'm actually in app development.
I'm not lying this time.
It's, uh, got some funding for a new idea, so.
Wow, that's amazing.
Yeah, thanks.
It'll be a while, but we'll see kind of where it goes.
What about you? What's new?
What's goin' on?
Uh.
Yeah, I've, I've, I'm good.
I've, uh, got a place.
Good.
Um, yep.
And I'm on the fourth round of interviews at this company,
this new job.
Mm-hmm.
Um.
That's really great. Are you, uh, seeing anyone?
Uh, no.
[laughs] No, I needed a bit of a break.
[sighs] I feel ya.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Are you?
Yeah, kind of started up this thing
with a girl from an app.
Oh.
- [laughs] So. - Wow.
Yeah, we'll see where it goes, you know.
Yeah, um.
That...
Hey, uh, why so nervous?
[laughs] You know?
- It's just me. - Yeah.
And we've spent a lot of time together.
I've actually been thinking about that time a lot,
between us.
Yeah?
Yeah, I just think, to be honest, I was such an ass.
No, no.
- [laughs] No. - Honestly, I-
- I was, and I have absolutely no excuse for it,
because yeah, I think I just really liked you, [laughs]
and I didn't want to, you know, mess it up,
but what a weird thing to mess up in those circumstances
with everything going on.
Please, um, stop.
No, I wanna get this out.
I think it was really great that we went through it,
and now I'm just seein', like,
it absolutely wouldn't have worked.
It's like, instead of a full, year-by-year,
full-blown relationship with all the pain,
it's like, we gotta condense that to three weeks
and figure that out.
And as friends, we, we, we...
We gotta be friends now, and we're friendly,
and this is great, and what's, uh...
[guy clears throat]
[hopeful music]
♪ Well, time to move on down the line ♪
♪ I'm gonna take my piece of mind ♪
♪ I'm gonna take my dear, sweet time ♪
♪ Just walkin' out the door ♪
♪ Well, hard luck's been a friend of mine ♪
♪ Smoked my weed and drinks my wine ♪
♪ I nearly let him rob me blind ♪
♪ But hey, that's what friends are for ♪
♪ Well, ain't no time to wait ♪
♪ I rush to find my place ♪
♪ Yeah, love can make things things easier ♪
♪ Well, love, I hope you stay ♪
♪ Well, sweet Eileen, my sweet revenge ♪
♪ I nearly thought I had you then ♪
♪ But now is now ♪
♪ And that was when I never could be sure ♪
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
♪ But the times have changed, and so have I ♪
♪ Seen the past with my own eyes ♪
♪ Comes around and never dies ♪
♪ The same way as before ♪
♪ There ain't no time to wait ♪
♪ I rush to find my place ♪
♪ Yeah, love could make things easier ♪
♪ Well, love, I hope you stay ♪
♪ Solo ♪
[hopeful music swells]
[gritty music]
♪ There is no future ♪
♪ Without the past ♪
♪ Like an anal tumor ♪
♪ You can kiss my ass ♪
♪ We, we are ♪
♪ The Children of Brokenness ♪
♪ We, we know ♪
♪ We know hopelessness ♪
♪ We, we are ♪
♪ The Children of Brokenness ♪
♪ Children of Brokenness gather 'round ♪
♪ Listen to my sad story right now ♪
♪ Mommy don't love me, Daddy don't love me ♪
♪ God don't care ♪
Seluruh hidupku adalah satu lubang hitam keputusasaan
Setiap hari, setiap malam
aku sendirian
Tidak ada yang memanggil saya di telepon
[musik berpasir berlanjut]
Kami, kami
Anak-anak Kehancuran
Kami, kami tahu
Kami tahu keputusasaan
Kami, kami
Anak-anak Kehancuran
[musik lembut]
Yah, saya tahu saya tidak tahu dari mana saya berdiri
Tapi sekarang aku merasa musim panas hampir berlalu
Dan saya tahu itu bisa banyak yang harus ditangani
Untuk dikecewakan dengan mendapatkan apa yang Anda inginkan selama ini
Dan turun tangga,
Gabungkan kembali rambut kuning Anda , itu
Nah, turun tangga,
Gabungkan kembali rambut kuning Anda , itu